I made one tonight. Nothing big, but I don’t want to do it ever again.
I took my son Joshua to see a movie, and after it was over, he made a quick stop to the restroom while I refilled my drink at the self-serve fountain. I don’t usually use a lid and straw, but this time I grabbed one of each to keep the drink from sloshing around during the car ride home.
A very important detail to the introduction of this comedy is that the straws at the movie theater are about four inches longer than regular fast food straws. They’re absolutely perfect for the barrel-sized drinks sold at the concessions, but when it comes to the smaller size, which is what I was drinking, they become very dangerous…especially if you aren’t paying attention.
So, anyway, Josh was using the restroom, my drink was full, and I was waiting and tapping on my phone. Forgetting the abnormally immense size of the straw in my cup, I went for a quick sip and the red, tubular javelin went straight up and into my left nostril.
Momentarily stunned, I shook my head in a wincing gag while at the same scanning my immediate surroundings to see if anyone noticed what had just happened. Needless to say, I got a new straw.
Now, as I promised, on to telling you about the mistake I made tonight… Wait, you thought it was the red straw? Oh no, that’s not it. I was referring to the Maker’s Mark Kentucky Straight Bourbon I tried when I got home.
I know this is a favorite for many, and I understand that to knock it is to tempt its disciples to put a hit out on me, but I must go ahead and say what needs saying: In comparison to so many other bourbons out there, this stuff isn’t very good. It’s a little like the results of a straw to the nose, except in this case, the straw has been sharpened enough to draw blood which begins to mix with the mucous now forming because of the irritant. I just don’t ever want to do it again.
Speaking of the nose, have you ever tried the cherry flavored Nyquil? No? Well, you should try that first. If you spend $12 and despise it, you’ll spend double that for the Maker’s Mark which you’ll enjoy a lot less.
In the mouth, the whiskey has a youthfully sour nature to it. For me, it nearly prompted an encore of the post-movie wince. There’s a lot of something sweet in there – maybe vanilla and a full cup of sugar (give or take a pinch) – but again, it seems more like artificial flavoring as opposed to being something that comes along naturally during the distillation and aging process. It’s unpleasant.
The finish isn’t so bad, but mainly because there’s a little bit of wood spice in there…and because the whole experience is so short. It leaves quickly. With a following sip of water, it’s swept away completely.
As I said at the beginning, mistakes will be made. Just know that if you ever make a mistake – like offending someone in the mafia – and you find yourself blindfolded and strapped to a chair in a dank basement with only the breath of your torturer to offer you a choice of methods for exacting his twisted justice – a sip of Maker’s Mark or a straw repeatedly jammed into your nose – choose the straw.