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20160407_212253I’ve thought about doing it, but I also know that if I did, it would be cruel.

There’s a fitness facility in a local strip mall near my home, and as you can see from the photo below, it has two rather interesting neighboring businesses. As you are facing the Snap Fitness 24-7, to its right is a Little Caesar’s Pizza, and to its left is a AAA Insurance office. Could it be that the mall proprietor is infinitely wiser than the rest of us and planned for this arrangement?

Here’s what I mean…

The treadmills in the fitness place are lined up along the front windows in a way that allows for folks to observe the outside happenings while walking or running, which means that if I were in an inciting mood, I very well could stop to pick up a five dollar pizza, and then departing and taking an immediate right, I could walk a whole five or ten steps to stand in front of the giant windows and gobble it up, all the while being keenly aware that I would be testing the mettle of the ravenous resolution-keepers foaming over my shoulders.20160408_095205

Cruel? Maybe. Enough to cause a situation? Perhaps. Which is why before visiting the pizza joint, I would stop in at the AAA office and pick up a life insurance policy. And I could make the policy as precise as I want so that the insurance company couldn’t find a way to wiggle out of it as they so often seem to have the ability to do.

Me: “I’d like to get a life insurance policy?”

Agent: “Sure. We have multiple plans to choose from.”

Me: “Can I make my own plan?”

Agent: “Yeah, you can fashion it with certain details, but I recommend…”

Me: “Great! I want a plan that has the largest payout for injuries or death from being mauled by an angry mob while standing in front of a fitness place eating a pizza.”

Agent: “Okay…”

Me: “And breadsticks. Put breadsticks in there, just in case. And a Pepsi.”

Too bad drinking whisky in public is against the law in my little borough. I think I could do something similar at the local beverage retailer/party store, which in my opinion, has a frustratingly limited selection. If you are in a pinch and the usual suspects will do – Johnnie Walker, The Glenlivet 12, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam – then it’s the place for you, but if you are actually discerning with regard to the aqua vitae that you intend to put into your body, you’ll need to travel another fifteen to twenty miles southwest to find proper accommodation.

I’m thinking that I could take this bottle of The BenRiach 16 (which was canonized in 2015 as the “Best Speyside Single Malt” at the World Whisky Awards) and stand in front of the windows at that party store. The novelty alone might cause some of the entering and exiting visitors to investigate. And my guess is that the patrons most likely to aggressively insist that I share, well, I could probably avoid serious injury and death by their hands because they’re probably drunks, which means their fine motor skills are probably of lesser quality. It’s a different story over at the fitness place. They’d catch me and my pizza before I could reach for my car keys.

I’d need to make sure I was standing in the right spot – a pace or two up wind from the doorway – so that the scent of this splendid dram could meet them with what is, at first, its Moscato-like alms of white peaches housed in minimally charred oak barrels.

For the discerning passerby, I might be willing to allow a sip, one that will almost certainly reveal a delightful harmony of peach juice, malt, and over-smoked honey leading to a dainty finish, one that suggests by its spice that it intends to be medium in length, but in the end, lasts only a moment or two past the gulp.

On second thought, I think I’ll keep this one to myself. But a pizza, now, that’s something to share with others.