Not sure if that surprisingly cheap bottle of “expensive” whisky you just picked up in Thailand is counterfeit or not? No problem. I can help.

All you need to do is run down to the nearest electronics store for two quick purchases and then it’s off to the local liquor shop for another item.

At the electronics store, first, get some fiber optical cables and fashion them into two, well, you know, standard immersion probes – one to send the signal and the other to receive it. The second item you’ll need to grab from the shelf is a mid-infrared spectrometer. No big deal. Now, once you have both of these items, head on over to the liquor store and purchase an authentic bottle of the edition you are testing (for a much higher price, of course), open it, and pour a little into a glass. Set the glass aside.

Now, connect your cables to the spectrometer being sure that the read distance is right. Next, calibrate the device by using the little bit of whisky in the glass from the bottle you bought at the liquor store. You’ll need to do this so that the device is configured to the standard readings of an authentic edition. While you’re at it, go ahead and calibrate the spectrometer to detect methanol and sweet tea (two very common ingredients in counterfeit whisky) so at least if you discover that you’ve purchased a fake, you’ll know if you can actually drink the liquid without risking liver failure.

Once the device is ready, go ahead and tap that $1,000 bottle for which you gleefully paid $500 figuring you’d keep it in the back of the cabinet as an unopened investment edition to sell later. That’s right, shatter your dream and pour a little bit into a glass, perform the test, and compare the resulting readings with those of the authentic edition. Don’t worry. It’s the only way to be sure, and besides, you’ve already spent about $5,000 for all of the testing equipment.

And with that, no sweat, and a fine hurrah to you, my good man! You’ll know for certain if you’ve wasted $500!

How about this instead.

Don’t open the bottle. Trust that ignorance is indeed bliss and hope for the best when you go to sell it, hoping that you aren’t engaged with someone much keener than yourself when it comes to identifying forgeries. Or…

Stop buying one-of-a-kind editions for incredibly cheap prices at little shops in Thailand. Sadly, you are the reason the whisky market is suffering from such cancerous trickery.