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I suppose it is a quasi-understatement to say that I am happy to have a very special guest connecting with Angelsportion today. It was difficult enough to track down and convince the Sith lord, Darth Vader, to write a foreword for my book, but getting Donald Trump to sit down with me to discuss the Hakushu 12-year-old, well, this is truly a quasi-surrealistic and quasi-extraordinary event.

I’m sure that you will find the interview to be well worth your time, although I can’t necessarily confess the same for myself. Nevertheless, as I’ve shared on other occasions, I do this so you don’t have to.

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20160502_204303Angelsportion: Thanks so much for taking time from your busy campaign to talk whisky with me.

Trump: My pleasure. Yeah, you know, I love your blog, Chris. It’s great. Really great.

A: Thanks. That means a lot. By the way, your hair is something to behold in person, I must say. It looks a lot bigger on TV, though.

T: Yeah, it’s great, isn’t it? I have great hair. Really great hair. Do you wanna touch it?

A: Um, no.

T: You should touch it. Everyone wants to touch it. I have really great hair. The best hair. Period. Better than most, that’s for sure. I tell you, when I’m president, I will send everyone in America a strand of my hair. Of course, there’s gotta be, what, two hundred thousand people in America? We’ll need to cut some of the hairs in half.

A: There’s actually about 320 million people in America, Mr. Trump.

T: Really? That many? Boy, I’m gonna win big in November. We’ll cut those hairs really small. Everyone will get one, that I can promise you.

A: Well, as much as I’d love to talk about the essence of “Trump” politics, I promised I wouldn’t. So, what did you think of the Hakushu 12-year-old?

T: It was really great. I thought it was great.

A: Can you tell me anything in particular that you liked about it?

T: Well, for one – and I’m just being honest – we need honesty these days. People appreciate me because I’m honest. I tell it how it is. Anyway, you know, I think that the Scots should just embrace who they are and put something like a leprechaun on the label instead of all that Korean scratching.

A: It’s not Scotch. It’s Japanese whisky. And leprechauns are traditionally associated with the Irish.

T: Whatever. Irish. Koreans. Same island.

A: Okay… so… what did you like about the whisky? When you smelled it, what did you sense?

T: It smelled great. Really great. I liked it.

A: Normally on my blog I take the time to work into each of my narratives a little bit about the contours of each whisky. Typically it means describing each of the three “givers” of a whisky. Usually people refer to them as the nose, the palate, and the finish. What did you think of the nose?

T: Have you seen my wife’s nose? That’s a great nose. A really great nose. Most folks tell me that they could stare at her nose all day. But when I’m in the room, of course, they can’t. My nose is better. Much better.

A: The smell, Mr. Trump. What did you smell when you sniffed the whisky?

T: I smelled whisky. What the hell did you think I’d smell? I smelled good Scotch whisky.

A: Japanese.

T: That’s what I said.

A: No, you didn’t.

T: Whatever.

A: I sensed cherry cobbler and perhaps some roasted pecans. I took a little bit of spring from it, too, that is, some blossoming apple trees and a very distant campfire used to burn up the remnant of winter’s debris. Did you sense anything like that?

T: You got all that?

A: Yes. It is important to be detail-oriented when you take upon yourself any particular role which involves communicating with people, wouldn’t you say? People want to know exactly what you are thinking.

T: Oh yeah, I know this. And people like that – you know, detailed people – I’m going to surround myself with those kinds of folks. Like a wall. And they’ll be tall. Like the wall I’m going to build. Except they’ll walk around with me. The wall at the border won’t walk. It will be very still. It will be the stillest wall you’ve ever seen. Detail. Important detail.

A: Yes. I guess it would be rather difficult to build a wall that moves.

T: I could do it. You know, I could build a really great moving wall. It would be the best moving wall you’ve ever seen. I could build so many moving walls that America would be so bored by moving walls. They’d say, “Hey, there’s another moving wall,” and then they’d say “Hey, there’s another one.” Bored. Completely bored with so many amazing moving walls.

A: When you took a sip of the whisky, what did you sense?

T: Are we done?

A: Almost. We still need to consider the palate and the finish. How did the whisky taste? What did you discern there?

T: Let’s see… I got cherry cobbler and some roasted pecans. And I thought I tasted some apple trees or something like that.

A: You’ve tasted an apple tree?

T: Yeah, haven’t you? Very big in New York. Go down to SoHo. Everyone is gnawing on trees. I know New York.

A: Mr. Trump, with all due respect, you just repeated what I said about the nose… well, mostly.

T: That’s not true. I said that before you. I said what you said way back before you ever said it. I think Clinton was in office when I said it. I don’t remember for sure, but I know you didn’t say it.

A: I just said it a minute ago.

T: That’s a lie. Lyin’ Thoma. I’m gonna call you “Lyin’ Thoma.”

A: Can we just finish this, please? What did you taste?

T: Lyin’ Thoma.

A: What did you taste?

T: What did you taste?

A: Oh, for crying out loud! There was a little bit of wood spice and maybe a sour apple…

T: See, I told you, apple trees.

A: I’m pretty sure that apples don’t taste like the trees they grow on.

T: Have you ever tasted an apple tree?

A: No.

T: Then how do you know?

A: I don’t.

T: I rest my case, lyin’ Thoma. And it’s a really great case. The best case anyone has ever made. It’s a case made of gold and precious gems. Best case.

A: Umm… I took some chocolate and caramel from it, too.

T: I’ve had chocolate before. The best.

A: I don’t care. How about the finish? Anything? Anything at all?

T: I can definitely say that after I drank it, I finished, because I didn’t drink it again.

A: That’s not what I mean. Was it short? Medium? Long? Did you sense the apple trees again?

T: No.

A: No?

T: No.

A: No, what?

T: No.

A: That isn’t an answer to my question.

T: Yes it is. And it is a definitive answer.

A: No, it isn’t.

T: You asked. I said no.

A: No to what? What do you mean? Was the finish long?

T: No.

A: Short?

T: No.

A: So, medium then?

T: I never said that.

A: You haven’t said anything.

T: See, I can be presidential.

A: (Sigh) I thought the finish was medium. And I sensed the same cherries that were present in the nose.

T: You put cherries in your nose?

A: That’s not what I said, Donald.

T: Yes, you did, lyin’ Thoma. But I’m not being critical. I should try it. Never tried that. I’ll bet Hillary has. Absolutely.

A: Whatever. Thanks again for… well… thanks.

T: My pleasure. I love helping the little guy. I’m not a little guy, you know. I’m 6’ 2”. And Look at these hands. Huge hands. Bigger than most. I can’t wait to get these big hands around all that presidential stuff in the White House. I’m gonna pat that bust of Abraham Lincoln with these huge hands every day.

A: I’m 6’ 2” also.

T: That’s little. I’m at least a foot taller.

A: You’re an idiot. America is doomed.

T: Lyin’ Thoma… with cherries in his nose.

(AP Photo/Matt Rourke)